jotsheet

1. Not telling you to vote like every other wannabe goddamn civic duty holier-than-thou citizen-journalism-will-change-the-world naive dumbass blogger out there.

That is all.

Share This

As of 10:33 p.m. on 11/6/06, here are 50 completely played out things.

1. MTV
2. Things being cool just because they’re Asian
3. Jack Black
4. Gaucho pants (let them die!)
5. Terrell Owens
6. Naming “futuristic” things with an “i” or “e” prefix (Apple, take heart)
7. Cindy Sheehan
8. Pop-Tarts
9. Flip-flops
10. Bobby Knight
11. Valentine’s Day — also, all complaints about this holiday, excluding this list
12. Omega-3 fatty acids
13. News stories about parents getting mad at coaches
14. Wil Wheaton
15. Jokes about rednecks — these are almost never done well
16. Intentionally ironic mustaches
17. The FAA’s ban on liquids
18. Dirty South rap
19. SportsCenter
20. Blogging
21. Emeril
22. Movable Type
23. Those motherfucking MasterCard “priceless” commercials
24. Jokes about curling
25. Adam Curry and the entire idea of amateur podcasting
26. Internet Explorer (including IE7)
27. Popped collars
28. The Heisman trophy
29. Cologne
30. Cheap Chinese food
31. Jessica Simpson
32. TicketMaster
33. Psychoanalyses of Mike Tyson — the motherfucker is crazy, deal with it
34. Big sunglasses
35. Wearing shorts during the winter months
36. Random shootings on the highway — this has been before and done better
37. Tollbooths
38. The entire northeast
39. Trans fats
40. “Man Law” and beer commercials in general — just awful lately
41. Rod Blagojevich — look at that name, “Blagojevich,” it’s terrible!
42. The local news
43. Vegans
44. The Mach3, Fusion, and whatever other fucking joke of a razor Gillette’s come up with recently
45. Advertising campaigns that are supposed to arouse my interest by revealing their gimmick on some date in the future. Fuck that, I don’t care.
46. Road construction
47. Paying with a check
48. Discussions of outsourcing
49. Tom Cruise
50. Energy drinks

Add your own.

Share This

I love the grocery store!

I really do. I’ve contemplated starting a grocery store-specific blog for some time, and I still might. grocerystoreblog.com is available. Don’t snatch it up, jerk.

Why do I like the grocery store? Well, I like to think of myself as a pretty observant person, and there are lots of interesting things to observe in the supermarket! Really! It’s the same reason I “like” the El.

I know you think I’m crazy, but I don’t care. Here are some ideas/observations from tonight’s trip.

1. Listen to the music. It’s fantastic! Heard “I’ve Been Thinking About You” by Londonbeat while in the checkout line. Where else can I get a high quality timewarp like that?!
2. Shop late at night. I go between 10 and 11. This makes the trip (a) more efficient and (b) potentially more exciting, as other weird people shop then. If you’ve got a 24 hour store nearby (mine’s not), I suggest 3:00 am.
3. In each major shopping trip, pick out an item you’ve never had before. I’m not talking about a different brand; I’m talking about an entirely foreign fruit (or just something foreign). For example, I bought some funky kind of beets a couple of weeks ago. They weren’t good at all, but it makes things a lot more exciting.
4. Unless there’s a huge discrepancy between the lines, resist the urge to go for the self checkout lane. I’m as independent as the next fella–actually, almost certainly more so–and I like to feel like my personal efficiency will help me along in life. Here’s the problem: I’m not a professional checker. The ones who aren’t high (like my checkout girl tonight) are a heckuva lot faster at scanning than I am. The self checkout systems are flawed, and research has shown that they do not save shoppers time.
5. Go the “wrong” way. All grocery stores have a defined path they’d like you to take. Go in the reverse direction. But go fast, because your ice cream’s gonna melt!

Got another idea? Speak up!

Share This

5. Brandi
4. Misti
3. Sally
2. Pam
1. Gretchen

Share This

In honor of the new Superman flick, I present…

Top 10 Rejected Names for Superman

1. Imperviousman
2. Kick Ass Man
3. Green Lantern
4. Übermann
5. Superalien
6. Omnipotent Guy
7. xTrEmEman
8. Strong Man, Blue Suit
9. The White Power
10. Superperson

Share This

1. Improve the knees. Possibly bionic. Knee injuries are too common.
2. Claws on both hands and feet. I want to be able to climb things. Note: if you feel like nitpicking and call this “devolving,” feel free to visit this website.
3. New teeth. I mean, scrap the current system entirely. I can’t believe we haven’t worked out this cavity thing by now.
4. The ability to digest raw meat. No brainer. Microwaves are handy, but wouldn’t it be nice if you could just stuff your face with ground chuck? Yeaaah, that’s what I’m talking about.
5. Back to all running on all fours, but only when we want it. Like Transformer-style. I’m feeling like bipedalism was a mistake.

There you go, humanity. You’ve got your marching orders; let’s pick it up.

Share This

1. An aluminum cup
2. A yellow superball that lights up when bounced.
   • Stored in said aluminum cup. Can be combined with cup and swirled to become exciting “Cup o’ Death.”
3. An autographed picture of Danica Patrick. Tradeshow tchotchke!
4. Two styrofoam cups
5. Daily desk calendar—which always trails the true date because I have little incentive to flip the pages—containing unforgivably bad jokes. Today’s joke:
   • Judge: Maurice, is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
   • Maurice: No, this is how I always dress
6. Red plastic hand puppet of the devil.
7. A mug
8. A picture of my boss’ son, but zero pictures of my family to be found.
9. 3 database schemas, printed out and pinned to the cubicle wall
10. A styrofoam cup nearly filled to the brim with pennies. I hate pennies and tried to give them away but no one took them.

There is humor in this website somewhere. Keep panning.

Share This