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Remember our dear friend, Michele Weldon? Surely you must. She is the Patricia Ireland Chair of Oversensitivity Studies at Northwestern. In 2005 I reaped the rewards of her womynly wisdom. But recently, misogyny has once again reared its ugly head at that backwater institution, Northwestern University.

The Patriarchy rises

It all started relatively inconspicuously, as these things often do–but don’t let that fool you. Deeply ingrained societal inequities are often inconspicuous. That’s what makes them so insidious, and that’s why we appreciate Michele Weldon’s x-ray vision for sexism.

Tony Evans, a “humor” columnist for the Daily Northwestern wrote a column directed at the girl who sits next to him in discussion section. (Please note: I do not support the idea of “humor,” but I see fit to reference this patriarchal term because it is so deeply embedded in our societal norms that it is difficult to make reference to it in more objective terms.) Tony desired to have sexual (i.e. patriarchal) relations with the female and “[had] often wondered what it would be like to make sexual love to [her].” He went on to lament her rejection of his neanderthal advances.

Oh, and one minor thing: The girl in the column was imaginary. (But don’t let that fool you! It’s one of their tricks!)

Defending the honor of Womyn everywhere

We all know that the good Prof. Weldon likes to keep a tight rein on Northwestern’s unruly (and invisibly misogynistic) student body. Who can forget her lovable mothering of wayward Facebook users? Anyway, reading Evans’ column, Michele-with-one-”l” answered the Batphone and called Northwestern to order.

“This subtly insidious misogyny must be rooted out!” she cried, and gathered her Womyn Warriors to save the day. Among them was Elizabeth Keating, her sergeant at non-military-industrial-complex arms, and Weldon brought the lass beneath her womynly wings.

“Elizabeth,” she whispered, “you must defend the honor all womynkind! Go forth and write a column exposing the insidiously subtle misogyny at Northwestern University!”

And like a good non-patriarchal, non-militaristic solder-as-symbol, Elizabeth did.

[Tony Evans’ column] violates several clauses of Northwestern’s Policy on Sexual Harassment, including “unnecessary and unwelcome references to various parts of the body” and “inappropriate sexual innuendoes or humor.”

Michele looked upon the invocation of policy that would normally involve two sentient beings (but of course also applies to sexual harassment directed at womynkind in general) and said, “It is good.”

Had Evans’ column not been a parody and had the girl been a real student, it might have brought more pain into the life of this girl who did not ask to be written about.

The Professor looked upon the sentence describing hypothetical pain inflicted upon an imaginary person and said, “It is good.”

[The column’s] publication insults everything and everyone today’s leading ladies fight for, and so much more.

A tear came to Weldon’s eye and she patted young Keating non-sexually on the shoulder. “And so much more.”

Throw the book at ‘em

I’ve also heard that our tireless crusader filed a complaint with Dean of Students Mary Desler about the column in the Daily. Unfortunately, due to the shadowy influence of Rush Limbaugh and the right-wing, Desler was unable to expel the despicable Evans. However, I am told that Desler dressed down a few Daily staffers over the phone. Bravo!

In non-sexual conclusion

Thank you, Michele. We (the current and former male students of Northwestern University who were brought up in a patriarchal culture but understand the dehumanizing effect of our backwater notions on females everywhere) stand in awe.

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