jotsheet

I was worried that the TSA’s spectacular ban on liquids and gels was going to cramp my style, but boy was I wrong. My flights in and out of O’Hare, the US of A’s tardiest airport, were a dream. Total time spent going through security: 90 seconds. Max.

The ban on liquids is actually a good thing. My fellow travelers had gotten a little too smart for their own good in past years, with just about everyone bringing a “carry-on.” I put that in quotes because “carry-on” is much more often “drag-on” or “haul-on”; on a recent flight, I actually saw a teenager girl stand on two armwrests and pound her bag into the overhead bin. Gave it like 10 solid whacks. When people are carrying on half their dresser, the overhead bins tend to fill up.

The liquid ban changed that. Now we’ve got two sets of travelers:

1. Clever folks like me who take this as an opportunity to “simplify” (i.e. bring a laptop, a change of socks, and a book), and
2. High-maintenance women who can’t do without their MAC makeup who give up and check their bulging luggage.

God, it’s good to be male.

In other airline-related news, I just don’t understand Southwest’s boarding policy. I mean, I understand it perfectly, and I think it works reasonably well, but I don’t think anyone else understands it. It works like this:

• You’re assigned to Group A, B, or C.
• You board in order: Group A, then B, then C.

You see, I look at that scenario and think, “If I’m in Group A, I’m not going to wait in line at all. I’m going to sit comfortably in the terminal until the very last minute.”

And I think, “If I’m in Group B, I’m still going to get an aisle or window seat, so I’m going to sit comfortably in the terminal until the very last minute.”

And I think, “If I’m in Group C, I may actually wait in line because I don’t want the overhead bin to fill up [not such a problem now!] and I want an outside chance at a window or aisle.”

Apparently no one else works this logic through. Look at these asshats waiting in lines for A and B:

I kid you not: people were waiting in this line for close to an hour. For Group A. The flight was delayed; these line-waiters cared not, queueing up as if everything was ship shape and on time.

I ask you: Is it worth waiting in line for 45 minutes so you can sit in seat 8A and not 16A? Yeah?

You know, sometimes I think I should be running this world. Is there an application for Emperor around here somewhere?

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