jotsheet

If you’re on WordPress and are using a lot of plugins, chances are that your blog is slower. No, not because of the plugins’ functions — that’s easily mitigated by WP-Cache — but because each of the plugins is inserting its own JavaScript and CSS into your blog. This causes users to have bigger page downloads and more HTTP requests, slowing everything down.

Note: This tutorial is for advanced users. Be careful! I screwed my blog’s commenting up for a while after posting this. :) I do not recommend messing with scriptaculous stuff — just leave it be. If you’re a novice, you probably don’t care about your site being a little bit slower, so this isn’t worth the effort.

Background

The best thing to do is to consolidate your CSS and JavaScript into singular files. This isn’t always possible — sometimes, the contents of included CSS and JavaScript depend on variables set in the plugins — but usually the included JavaScript and CSS are static.

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What is going on here? What is the deal? I definitely picked the wrong line. I picked the wrong line. Shit, I should move. What is taking so long? I should move. Shit, someone’s behind me now. I can’t exactly move now.

Are you fucking kidding me? A check? You’re paying with a check? They still make those things? Who pays with a check? What is your problem? Ugh. What is the problem now? Exactly how much information does the checkout girl need to write on that check? She has been writing for at least a solid minute now, maybe two. Driver’s license number, date of birth, mother’s maiden name, city of birth, favorite reality show, opinion on medicare reform, what the fuck else is there to write on that check? Are you practicing a 5 paragraph essay? You cannot be serious.

Ah, finally done. Let’s see if Telecheck earns its keep. Okay, done. Move along, dumb woman. Go.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? SHE’S GOT A “SECOND LOAD.” SHE’S PAYING USING A DIFFERENT METHOD. SHE IS SWIPING SOMETHING NOW AND, SURPRISE SURPRISE, THE GROCERY STORE CARD SLIDER BEFUDDLES HER. ARE YOU FUCKIIIIIIIIING KIDDING ME?

Who buys groceries in two “installments?” What is going on here? How can I complain about this? What can I do besides sigh loudly and exhibit angry body language. WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS?

Hey lady, you want to put that 2-liter on layaway? I’ve got all night, pumpkin.

Whew. Okay. Calm down. She’s gone, finally. Things are moving along. Everything will be fine. The next guy looks reasonably competent. This should work well. Okay.

NOW YOU CAN’T FIGURE OUT THE CARD SLIDER EITHER? HAVE YOU NEVER USED A DEBIT CARD? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT? IT’S YOUR CARD, AFTER ALL — IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU’VE USED IT, SHERLOCK? HUH?

I am never going to the grocery store at 7:30 p.m. again.

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I had a fantastic rant planned. I was going to trash Movable Type, my former blogging platform. I was going to rip it apart, throw it on the lawn and set it on fire. But alas, I just don’t have the energy.

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Have you seen the new Oregon football uniforms? Man! Look at those damn shoulder pads? Who designed these things — Spencer’s gifts?

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I’ve got to admit, I’ve got a real weakness for WordPress plugins. I just keep adding ‘em and adding ‘em. They’re a helluva lot easier to add than Movable Type plugins (there’s a surprise) and capable of doing more interesting things. I compare my obsession to that of a wannabe streetracer continually adding decals to his ricer. Decals in a Japanese for a car in Birmingham.

My favorites:

• AJAX Comments and AJAX Comment Preview - make your WordPress commenting the envy of every Web 2.0 hyping asshole out there.
• Adsense Injection (modified) - earn money from the hordes of unwashed Googlers visiting your site.
• AuthImage - a CAPTCHA to annoy your visitors and spammers alike.
• Paged Comments - useful when 13 year-old girls clog up your blog.
• CG-FlashyTitles - express your font snobbery (ahem) with sIFR.
• WP-Cache - speed up your WP by caching to disk. Should probably be packaged with WordPress.

Also see the full list of plugins in use at this website.

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Have you ever had a really fantastic banana? Have you ever remarked, “wow, that was a scrumptious banana?” Because I haven’t, and I’m convinced it’s the most boring fruit going. It’s truly the Todd Zeile of the fruit world.

Actually, most bananas I’ve had are decidedly mediocre, but a “good” one rises to an agreeable state of averageness, so I’ll grant it that.

Are fresh, I-live-on-an-island-and-just-picked-this bananas a lot better? I’m sure banana snobs (there’s a “snob” for everything, mind you) will say yes, but I’ve really got to wonder about the taste potential of this food. It’s just not doing it for me.

Oh, and cue off-color jokes.

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It’s rained the last couple of days, which got me to thinking: What’s with this “it’s bad luck to open an umbrella indoors” bit? Eh? This doesn’t make a helluva lot of sense to me. So I consulted the Intarweb, and it told me:

The most common stems from the days when umbrellas were used mainly as protection against the sun. To open one indoors would be to insult the local sun god (especially Ra) and invite his wrath on everyone in your household.

Now I’m no expert on the origin of superstitions, but that seems pretty damn lame to me. Bottom 25^th percentile, for sure. “Insult the local sun god?” We’re doing this because of a local sun god?

Well, from here on out, I’ve got zero qualms about the umbrella indoors thing. And it looks like I’m only hopping on the caboose of this train.

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