Dick Vitale sucks. Oh my God.
The past eight months were a respite. But I tuned into the MSU-Duke game tonight, and that recurring nightmare was back: Dick Vitale was calling the game on ESPN.
My hate for Dick Vitale is something special. Granted, I rant about a lot of things here on the jotsheet. I “hate” a lot of things—with “hate” in quotation marks. But I hate Dick Vitale. I fucking hate Dick fucking Vitale, man. This guy is a fucking douchebag extraordinaire. I’m actually having trouble writing this because I hate his sorry ass so much and it’s taking over my fingers and making it hard to type. But I will persevere.
Dick Vitale, Duke cheerleader
Color commentators exist to add insight and flavor to a broadcast. They do not exist to root for one team over another. In fact, favoring one team is something of a cardinal sin. Yet Dick Vitale is a glorified cheerleader, and a bald, dumb, ugly, whiny, stupid, self-promoting one at that. Simply put, Vitale is a Dukie first, an ACC groupie second, and an East Coast hype third. (His perennial bias against Illinois will be saved for another post.)
I call him a cheerleader metaphorically, but he’s actually danced with Duke cheerleaders in past pre-game warmups. What the hell is that? Does ESPN honestly believe that a balding, motormouth cliché machine dancing with the Duke cheerleaders will help their ratings? That’s got cross-cutting appeal? Frankly, even the amateur color commentary from college radio stations is not as biased as Vitale’s mindless babbling. It’s sickening.
Dick Vitale and the Name Brand problem
I’m quite particular about my sports announcers; for example, I love John Madden and loved Matt Millen, and I can’t stand Bill Walton and Tim McCarver. Yet I will concede that despite my disdain for the styles of Walton and McCarver, both of them pretty much know what they’re talking about, even if they’re idiots. Also, both Walton and McCarver played professionally in their respective sports. Vitale has no such playing experience. I guess he played basketball in high school, but he can’t have been very good—just look at the guy.
So Dickie’s got no playing experience. He was a successful coach, however. But just like the ESPN/USA Today Coaches poll, he’s suffers from the Name Brand problem. That’s right: Dukie V doesn’t know much about college basketball beyond the “name” programs and the “name” players. Oh sure, he can name-drop better than anyone in college basketball; that’s his game, baby. But beyond the prep sheets that ESPN gives him an hour before the game? Forget it. If it ain’t ACC or Syracuse or Georgetown, fuhgetaboutit. And when he inevitably meanders beyond the college basketball game into the NBA draft or international players? Ohhhh boy. There’s a reason that Dukie V’s name is nowhere near Grant Wahl’s list of top college basketball announcers.
Dick Vitale and Levitra: Yeah, he’s compensating
That’s right. He’s 5′4″, he never played hoops, and wishes he played hoops. What can he do about it? Well, he can dominate the broadcast in a way no other color guy anywhere does. It’s actually kind of embarrassing. He can endlessly recycle his trademark phrases until I go in the bathroom and throw up. But the sad fact is that he’ll never have the respect of his peers. I do love it when they stick him in the studio with Digger Phelps and Steve Lavin and the other analysts scoff at his superficial, media guide analysis.
Dick Vitale sucks because ESPN sucks
Once upon a time, ESPN was about sports in the way that once upon a time, MTV was about music. In these postmodern times of ours (ha!), neither is true any longer. Nay, both are now about “pushing the envelope” (uh, whatever) and embody something approximated by “sports culture” and “music culture,” respectively. In the case of ESPN, the network’s hubris has shackled us, the sports viewers, with disgusting personalities like Vitale (and Stuart Scott). The phenomenon of the Motormouthed One is but a manifestation of ESPN’s desire to transcend the mere coverage of sport to defining sport.
He’s really just become a parody of an announcer, so I present for you a Camp Chaos parody (also local copy). Although it contains no anti-Duke sentiments (for shame), it does capture fairly concisely what an inane retard Vitale is.
Conclusion
I would like to conclude this essay in a convincing fashion. Dick Vitale is a worthless, dumbass Duke cheerleader who should be fired immediately. He should then be given to Maryland fans so that they may beat the piss out of him. After that, the Maryland fans should deliver him to North Carolina fans for a beating. After that, a coalition of Big Ten fans should finish the job. He should then be confined to a windowless cell and denied access to anything basketball-related for a minimum of five years. I believe that this treatment might sufficiently recompense the TV viewers of America for the damage he has already done to our minds and ears.
And I want to beat J.J. Redick with a 2×4 too. That’s also part of the deal.
LinkBack
Sites linking to this entry:
- TruthAboutDuke.com - linked from the front page with no permalink, so I can’t link you right to it…
- CHoops.com - The Carolina Basketball Experience
- The Sabre’s message boards - discussion from University of Virginia basketball fans
- Dichotomy - hilarious stuff here. “As Peter Griffin’s father in law put it: ‘I’d rather be stuck in an elevator with Gilbert Gottfried, Carrot Top, Pauly Shore… *sigh* Steve Gutenburg, and, well, you get the idea.’” etc.
Addenda
Items to add:
- Jeff Schneider of TruthAboutDuke.com sent me this anti-Vitale petition. Make your voice heard!
- I’d like to say that I do admire Vitale’s charity work, and I do think he’s a kind-hearted and generous individual. I don’t “hate” him as a man—in fact I think he’s quite admirable. You have to take this blog with a grain of salt, of course. But as an announcer, yes, I find him abominable.
April 23rd, 2006 at 9:59 pm
Three comments:
1. Duke sucks and JJ Reddick is clearly overrated. Good thing he is done with college ball. If you don’t agree, think back to Duke’s senior night when he CHOKED.
2. Mike Krykfadkjfjfski is the most overrated coach in the country. If Duke starts to loose during a game he doesn’t know what to do. He’s just closes his little mouth, looks down is gargantuous nose and pouts.
3. Roy Williams is my hero. Hansbrough is a nasty beast. Woody Durham is brilliant.
May 11th, 2006 at 9:30 am
first of all i’d like to point out the fact that in his rant, Dukie89 failed to defend that asshole vitale in any way… nice argument, you must be an athelete cause that’s the only way someone that dumb could get into Duke.
I don’t remember exactly what game it was, but the last game I saw Duke play where DICK Vitale was the announcer, they put his family on camera. Guess whose jersey his grandkids and all his family were wearing… thats right… that douchebag J.J. Redick. If Vitale comes to Maryland one more time, it will be too many.
I must say though, in DICK’s defense… he hasnt gone on national TV, sat in a chair center court, and cried about people not liking him and taunting him like others that love the blue and white do. So grow some balls J.J., cause US TERPS WILL STILL TELL YOU HOW WE REALLY FEEL IF WE SEE YOU!
June 13th, 2006 at 2:42 pm
Just typed in “Dick Vitale hate” to get this site….lol. What a Duke homer he is, then ACC, then anything east coast. He knows absolutely nothing about the GAME of basketball. Rather he is purely a cheerleader with one eye. He’s a great reader of character though, ( nice dwi Redick ). He jumps on the bandwagons of every good team at the end of the year. Throughout the season though he carries Duke’s banner and pushes their weak product. I mean how many times now have they been #1 throughout the season only to get knocked out in the second round of the tournament. He creates the belief that these teams are better than they are, and how many of their “All-Americans” are role players in the NBA. Gimme a break, FIRE VITALE and hire someone who was successful at something in college basketball.
November 26th, 2006 at 12:23 am
I wish someone would rip Dick Vitales voice box out of his throat…
November 29th, 2006 at 11:15 pm
i concur. i am an indiana fan and if i have to hear him say how their gymnasium should be renamed the robert montgomery knight arena every time IU plays or Texas Tech plays i will puke.
January 23rd, 2007 at 10:29 pm
I work for UPS and that dick head dicky v is a cheap bastard!!! I delv all his shit in his garage every day, i have the code to the gate and to the garage, did i get any tip this christmas??? hell no, and dont tell me he has no money, that why his daughters live in million dollar homes too!!! cheap bastard colud’nt even give me a signed basketball!!!
March 11th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
Man, this is right on. Dick-Head V is worthless and the poison he spews is enough to justify his immediate termination.
March 22nd, 2007 at 7:31 pm
I have come to the conclusion that Billy “Fudge” Packer is the anti-christ and Douchebag Vitale is his bastard son. Hopefully they’ll be under the next bus that comes along.
March 30th, 2007 at 11:51 am
God is he annoying or what? Do you veer hear him on Mike & Mike doing stock up, stock down oh it’s sickening what the )(*&^%$ does he know. Then he always coughs whihc makes it sound even dumber. Stock up, cough, cough, cough.
April 3rd, 2007 at 8:09 pm
Whups…………no hall of fame for Douchebag V this year, sucks to be him!
April 9th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
If you can raise your arms off the ground you might want to check out his bio( which is Dickie V’s personal badkground) on his web site. The guy has years of coaching experience and he is no more self promoting that say Rush Limbaugh.
It is a fact that the many of the best coaches in any sport were never great players(ie. Earl Weaver & Sparky Anderson in baseball never made it to the major leagues) They spent a lot of time on the bench learning the game.
If you don’t think Dick Vitale is a character then why don’t you buy a sense of humor? The guy almost single handedly has put college basketball on the map. From a PR point of view he has been great for the NCAA.
Why don’t you really make yourself useful and help me get Alan Colmes thrown off Fox .
July 10th, 2007 at 10:07 pm
I would rather see a I hate Chris Berman site.
Back, back, back, ugh.
November 28th, 2007 at 9:51 pm
Dick Vitale makes me watch with the sound off, but I have to agree that Chris Berman is equally as bad. Why can’t talented announcers get the good gigs and leave the media clowns to do charity events?
December 9th, 2007 at 9:14 pm
Dick Vitale is awesome baby
February 6th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
It was music to my ears when I heard this piece of shit had to have vocal cord surgery. I was able to rest peacefully for nearly a couple of months while I got to enjoy sports without having to hear his non insightful and inevitable incorrect predictions about everything from equestrian riding to NHL hockey. What the fuck does this dipshit think that he can offer a crappy comment and opinion to any subject and the other pieces of crap at ESPN will love him if he just adds a “baby” after every single fucking thing he says. As I had to hear about his inevitable return for the Duke/UNC game tonight I was inspired to do a search for the same group of people that show my same hatred for this piece of shit. I’m glad to know that you all are out there. I feel much better now.