I don’t actually wish I were queer
The best evidence that today was a worthless day? “I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks” by Bloodhound Gang was the highlight of my day. And it’s hilarious:
My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec. class
Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my ass
I said, “Guys, I’m like you, I like Monster Trucks too!
Wanna see how many push-ups I can do?”(chorus)
I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don’t dig
Chicks that don’t dig guys like me
See I’m not queer I’m too uglyBut if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be
Incognito as gay though but not actually that way though pseudo homo phony
Maybe it’s a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity
But if I was a queer bee in the fashion industry
Scoring with a super model would be easy
‘Cause “super model” means voluptuous but is also is synonymous with “super dumb”
Ya see I’d be a good listener so she’d treat me like a sister and soon I’d become
That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair
No it wouldn’t be a week before I’m in her underwear(chorus)
Doesn’t matter what I’m packin’ in my denim it’s what’s in my genes
The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean
See I’m not to keen on the smell of Vaseline
No I’m not Princess Di and I don’t wanna be a queen
I wish I was queer so I could get chicksAnyway if I were gay I’d have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis
Hang out with my mom’s hair stylist his name is Kip he’s got a lisp he talks like this
And wear my mother’s lingerie learn the songs of Broadway
And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant garde ballet
I wish I was queer so I could get chicksChicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don’t dig (3x)
Chicks that don’t dig guys like me
See I’m not queer I’m too ugly
And I don’t shave my heiny
Don’t shave my heiny
See I’m not queer I’m too ugly
But I’ll stay straight and chick-less.