The opposite of good times is…
Well I dunno, man. I dunno. Things are up and down and all around, whirring around my face and holding bitterly still. In one moment—well, many moments—I feel I need a change. But then I want to curl up in my habits and keep perfectly still, because if I don’t move, maybe it will all pass.
I am here like sand thrown in the ocean, clouding the water and tumbling to the dark depths, beaten violently by the monolithic waves. And then the waters are still. Silent, with the eerie hollowness of the sea filling up all the empty space in my mind. Who knows? What is this babble? Who writes this kind of stuff on a website? A confused 22 year old guy.
I’ve had a lot of crazy thoughts in the last few weeks, and I’m not going to put them down here. Maybe I’m a little ashamed of them, and maybe I don’t want to come back to them later. I hate being indecisive. It’s weak, so weak. It makes me cast down my eyes in front of others, because they should see me stronger, set on a logical path, well-conceived and thoroughly thought-through. Well that’s not the way you’re seeing me now, is it? And I don’t like showing this to other people.
Why can’t I just sit here and rest? Why can’t I just sit here and wait and hope things will work themselves out and get better? The sand will settle to the bottom. But what’s down there? I don’t know, and I shouldn’t have to. Well, not knowing is wringing me out like a rag. That I’ll tell you. That I’ll confess. And I came up with the catchphrase last night: Life is killing me. Think about it.