Invent this now
I guess you could say it’s a win-win situation. The Braves and the Cubs are playing in the first round of the playoffs, and I’ll be pretty happy with either team moving on. The Braves are the team of my childhood (although I follow them much less these days), but Chicago is where I live, and let me tell you, this town is buzzing with Cubs talk! If desire is factored into the equation, then Chicago—with its fans, youthful team, and legendary World Series drought—has the definite advantage. Still, I’d love to see the Braves win the Series, and I’m rooting for them in this matchup. Despite the fact that they’ve won an unbelievable 12 consecutive divisional titles, in only one of those years did they win it all (’95, against a very good Indians team), and consequently they’ll always be remembered as the team that was great—until it came crunch time. That is, of course, if they continue to lose.
Oh, and did I mention that Andy MacPhail, the president of the Cubs, screwed me last week? Yep, MacPhail got on the Wrigley loudspeaker and said, “Hey Tom Sherman, I know it’s the first game of the last series of the year, and I know the Cubs are in a down-to-the-wire race with the Astros for the Central, but the game’s rained out. Look, I know I should’ve figured out a way to do a day-nighter tomorrow, but I was too busy getting a pedicure. But hey, since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll let you redeem your ticket for a game next year? That cool with you?”
Well, no, actually, it wasn’t cool with me.
Ahem. Moving on. I had an idea for an invention while riding the train home yesterday. What I need is a portable cell phone signal blocker. I want a little hand-held device that I can point at annoying blonde bitches with double chins, capri pants, jeans jackets, crappy shoes with 4″ block heels, and overstuffed backpacks. This device would prevent said wench from receiving calls or placing calls, including calls to her parents, friends, and grandfather (?!).