TOM IS OKAY

or

Don’t Take This Article Too Seriously

 

by Christine

 

            Hanging around with Tom is actually more fun than some people make it out to be.  Tom is not that bad.  If you avoid grimacing while he gives his spiels (he is a big fan of German), you might actually laugh.  You don’t have to listen to his entire tirades, either, because Tom has a pretty good ratio of bizarrely humorous statements to stupid statements.  Listen to just a few of his sentences and he might shock a smile out of you.  Or not . . . in any case, he’s shocking—or schocking if you spell teutonically.

            We all know that Tom has complaints.  But Tom complains about worthwhile stuff.  I was at the Ben Harper concert with him and other Chapinos on February 14^th.  Not once did Tom buy into the traditional anti-Valentine’s Day rants.  His comments were more along the lines of “This school is so preppy.  Look at that.  Damn student body.” 

            Sometimes I wonder if Tom actually goes to Northwestern.  To this concert, he wore a University of Connecticut t-shirt and an Illini cap.  You have to give him credit for avoiding hypocrisy, though—if he’s criticizing the student body, at least he’s not associating himself with it.  He maintains his individuality.  How many of the people who were waiting to see Ben have U of Conn shirts?  Probably a lot fewer than the number of girls wearing tight jeans and tank tops (in 32-degree weather, no less). 

            Those girls . . . another topic of many of Tom’s conversations.  When I sat down to Tuesday’s dinner:“Why is it that guys are attracted to girls’ butts?  I mean, I understand the chest, but butts?  What does that have to do with reproduction?”  Tom is not pulling these questions out of . . er . . thin air, either.  He knows his facts.  He is the Chapin expert on the perks and downfalls of specific “rate me”-style websites.  Yes, Tom has firsthand knowledge of the behind-the-scenes workings of amihot.com, amihotornot.com, isiaslut.com, and a lot more, I’m sure.  So when he started complaining that there were no hot girls at the concert, he knew what he was talking about.  And was polite enough to say “except Christine” even though I didn’t count.

            I would have liked to have had a pen and paper to write down all the witty quips that Tom spewed out at the lively concert, but I was an unprepared journalist.  I do remember he called the evening “the most social night of my year” . . . but since he fell asleep in the back corner of Patten anyway, there wouldn’t have been too much time for interviews.

            My article therefore lacks an abundance of classic Tom quotations.  There is a solution to this, though. Go find your own.  Although Tom may be known as “jerk” or “asshole,” he is approachable and has lots to say.  Say anything to him and he’s bound to have an opinion on the topic . . . or on you.  But don’t be scared, because Tom’s really okay.  Don’t take him too seriously, and you’ll be okay too.